Cole's Challenge For Permanency

Cole, the fifth baby born into addiction, was given little chance of surviving the effects of his mother's crack addiction. With lots of love and the prayers of his foster mother, he and his now adoptive mom will have many chances to enjoy "The Dance."

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Rhonda received eleven day-old Cole from CPS. He was a preemie, failure to thrive, and based on Cole's actions, the doctor's report states that they were certain this baby was drug addicted, but by law, they were not allowed to step in and help Cole until the test results confirmed what they already "knew."

His crack addicted, gang involved mother was allowed to leave the hospital with him until the drug panel results came back positive for several types of drugs. Cole was the biological mom's fifth child, all born affected by drugs and/or alcohol. The laws in Indiana determined a woman's body was hers and what she does with it is up to her, even when it repeatedly produces children who are ravaged by the effects of being addicted to drugs and alcohol.

Cole was sent home with a foster parent and she was told to simply love him until he passed away. According to the doctor, infants sense when they are loved and wanted. Combined with Cole's addictions, his 5 pound body was purple, lifeless, and so dehydrated that his body was pulling fluids from his body organs.

According to Rhonda, his foster parent, "He was the closest I have ever come to holding a baby knocking at heaven's door."

The pediatrician stated, "This baby has given up his will to live." The hospital could provide the medical care but the nurses were too busy to sit and hold this one single infant, and did not have the time to provide the love and continual stimulation he so desperately needed.

Following doctor's orders, to simply love him until he passed away, Cole was taken home but this foster mother had other plans for this tiny infant; he was not going to die on her watch. Rhonda put Cole in an infant carrier on the front of her body and talked to him nonstop, reading the paper and Bible aloud so he could hear her voice. She constantly rubbed his back, his hands, his body, told him how beautiful he was, and how much God loved him.

Due to his critical condition, Cole had to be taken to the doctor's office every single day for 7 days. He had to be monitored closely because if the dehydration worsened, he had to be hospitalized.

Rhonda refused to let this baby boy give up on life; she had fallen in love with this tiny baby who wanted nothing to do with life. She would wake him up every 90 minutes and "talk" him into taking at least an ounce of formula, which seemed to take forever because he was so weak.

The following day, he had gained an ounce. This is a HUGE gain considering his condition when he was brought home, refusing to consume any fluids. At each doctor visit over the next seven days, Cole continued to improve.

Rhonda is one of those foster parents who shows up in court with an 8 x 10, framed picture of her foster child, and tells the judge at least one thing about the child that is unique to this child. For instance, their favorite food or how they are progressing in physical therapy or school; anything to let the judge know, "This is a child, not a case."

Later on, the 18 month old who had been living with Mom was taken into protective custody due to neglect issues and placed with her brother. The following day Rhonda received a call stating, "The birth Mom wants to see BOTH kids, TODAY." She had not attempted contact with Cole for the previous months; NOW she wanted to see him, and she wanted to see him NOW!

Rhonda bundled both children up and took them to visit their mother. It seemed strange that she hugged her daughter and even cried when she saw her, but completely ignored Cole. CPS allowed her weekly visits with both children and she showed up for less than half of the visits.

Cole had started physical, occupational, and speech therapy due to delays and he had extremely bad reflux. When she came, the birth mother played on the floor with her daughter but appeared to have no feelings for Cole. She would bring her "gang" friends to the visits and there was so much chaos, (screaming, birth mom being high and fighting among her friends), that the visits were having severe adverse effects on Cole. He would come home screaming, vomiting uncontrollably, and even began to pull his own hair out. At this point, the foster parent began to advocate for her foster child and let CPS know that enough is enough...

The birth mom had not wanted to see him for months and when she demanded to see her son, Rhonda took him to see her. The birth mom asked the foster parent to stay because she was in a hurry and instead of having the one hour visit she was entitled to, she spent 15 minutes. She never held him, said, "I'm sorry," or "I love you".

She was now scheduled to see him two times a week and she did not show up for three months. Each week when the birth mother did not show up, Rhonda begged CPS to either stop the visits or come up with another way. Cole was medically fragile and taking him out in the cold January weather, only to wait to see if the birth mom decided to show up was taking a toll on his health. The birth mom would disappear for months on end, then call unexpectedly, demanding a visit, and Indiana CPS continued to allow this erratic behavior until Cole was 22 months old.

The little girl was moved into another foster home because of the extreme demands of caring for Cole's special needs.

The chances, excuses, and the way the Agency, including the judge, dealt with the birth mother were incredible. Statements such as, "She had a hard life" or "Maybe she didn't show up in court because she didn't get the letter" were common. The Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) hearing was rescheduled three times because the judge felt it was not fair to proceed since the birth mother did not show up for the hearings. Repeatedly, the judge said, "Maybe she didn't receive the court letters."

Being proactive and out of concern for Cole's health and development, the foster mother contacted an attorney to ask, "What do I do to keep this baby"?

According to Rhonda, this is when their world seemed unreal. She was taught to do the right thing in life and everything will work out. In dealing with the Agency and the Courts, it is not that easy. With one of the best attorneys in Indiana, specializing in foster parent and adoption laws, they still lived in a nightmare that was more like a wild roller coaster ride. Her attorney continued to be told, "Mom has rights."

Rhonda's question was, and continues to be, "What about the children, do they have any rights?"

When Cole was 22 months old, the attorney got a hearing date for the termination of parental rights. There was a pre-trial to determine if the birth mother would voluntarily relinquish her rights but she did not show up for court.

For the formal TPR hearing, the birth mother did not show up at court. They waited for 5 hours to see if she would show up and although she was not there, her court appointed lawyer was. They still had to prove the birth mother was unfit to care for Cole and fortunately, the baby had good therapists to testify on his behalf.

It took almost two months to get an answer from the judge granting the TPR. The public defender was going to appeal the TPR decision. The public defender receives $1,500.00 for each appeal he makes, regardless of whether there is a legal issue that would be appealable.

This baby, now a little boy, had been in limbo for over two years; never knowing what would happen next.

31 days after the TPR was granted, Rhonda's attorney discovered the birth mom's attorney had not appealed the decision and her lawyer filed for adoption date.

Rhonda said, "I am happy and relieved to share that as of last month, this beautiful child is now my baby boy and no addict, caseworker, public defender, nor Agency can come back and take him.

Every case is unique but it was obvious that Cole's mother was more concerned with drugs and her drug friends than with her child. Rhonda said she had never prayed so hard in all her life that the judge would see that this child would not have a chance at life if he had been made to live with a crack addict, who had repeatedly refused help. It is amazing how the Agency was so focused on an uncooperative parent, instead of on this helpless little child. Where were these same "concerned caseworkers" when this baby screamed in pain from physical therapy or when he vomited over 100 times a day from the damage the drugs did to his little body?

It should NOT be this hard to "love and help save a child's life"
...it just SHOULD NOT be this hard.

When asked if she would do it all over again, Rhonda quickly responded, "Yes, because I love this little boy but I would not wish the nightmare we lived on anyone else! NO human being should have to go through what my family and this child have been put through, all in the name of 'the best interest of the child'".

The phrase "best interest of the child" does not seem to apply in Cole's case. "The best interest of this child" was not the prevailing consideration. It was about the "best interest of the biological parents" or the "best interest of the caseworker or system," and it was NOT about the child. Rhonda acknowledges knowing how fortunate she and Cole are that their story has had a happy ending because for far too many children and families, the case can just as easily go the other way.

From Rhonda:

"Am I done with the system? I think so, at least for now. I am so emotionally and physically exhausted that I just need to step back and regroup. I can only hope that someone else will take over the fight until I get my second wind.

We cannot make changes if we ignore the bad things in this world. If you are one of those people who are out there fighting the fight in the name of the child, God bless you.

Just know, some of us DO and CAN win for these children. It will take many late nights, lots of energy, many nights with no sleep, endless court hearings, and money for attorneys. In the end, when I hold my precious son, the feeling is indescribable and when he says "wuv you mama" and wraps those arms around my neck, my reward is knowing that this child who I helped save from death, is not living in a crack house. He has his own bed, his own home, his own family, and most of all, he knows about God and he is being raised in a Christian home.

I hope that when he grows up he will see and understand how very hard I fought for him and hopefully he will know how important it is to fight for the things we believe in. In this world, we cannot give up the fight because this "war" seems to be getting bigger and more widespread.

Last week, we learned that his birth mom is now pregnant with Baby #6. When I asked why the system (welfare, Medicaid, laws, SOMETHING) cannot make this woman get on birth control, AGAIN, I was told, "she has rights, we can't do that." This worker seemed appalled that I would even ask this question but I wondered if she would have been as appalled if she had seen the dying crack baby I was holding two years ago.

Where do a child's rights begin? This will be the sixth child who will be afflicted with some type of problem or delay due to the mother's drug abuse and lack of prenatal care.

I am so grateful for this baby, and with God's help, I will never take him for granted, not for one single moment. However, it scares me for all the babies that are out there who are just starting this roller coaster ride. I wonder what will happen to those children if they do not find someone who will fight (and I do MEAN FIGHT) for them?

• Will they be the kids in l0 years holding a gun in the classroom?
• Will they grow up and have babies themselves who will grow up in the system?
• Is it all about a continuous cycle?
• Do we all get so careless and callous to say "oh well, that's just how it is"?

Not Me!

The struggle with the system never ends. I have decided this is the last time we will bring home any of his biological siblings because it's just too overwhelming for him when they leave. I would continue to encourage those of you in the middle of your fight to keep FIGHTING for what you know in your heart is right.

It's been a VERY long battle but to finally look into my son's eyes and KNOW he's MY SON, and he's here to stay in his forever home, with his forever mommy; I know it is one battle that I would do all over, just to have him with me."

I always think of the Garth Brooks song about "The Dance":

Lookin' back on the memories of
the dance we shared beneath the stars above.
For a moment, all the world was right.
How could I've known that you'd ever say 'good bye?'
And now, I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end
the way it all would go.
And our lives are better left to chance.
I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance.
Holdin' you, I've held everything.
For a moment, wasn't I the king?
But if I'd only known how the king would fall,
Hey, who's to say, you know, I might have changed it all.
Yes, my life is better left to chance.
I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance.

People, we have to be LOUD, we have to be VOCAL, and we have to FIGHT to change these children's lack of rights. Without us, where will these kids be? Literally, where will these children be? If we as foster/adoptive parents would have known about all the pain, I'm afraid we would have missed the gift of knowing the beautiful children that God gave us, even if He only loaned them to us for a short while.

After all, who in their right mind, would sign up for "hurt, deceit, being betrayed, treated like the enemy, risking losing the child that had become ours and repeatedly being treated with such disrespect." Again, I could have missed the pain (all the drama that we were put thru by this biological mom) but I would have missed out on the greatest dance of my lifetime, being mommy to this wonderful little boy.

God has blessed me so much with a little boy who has a heart the size of Texas and has more common sense then most adults I know.

God Bless to all those who continue to fight for the children, and may the Children Win.

God Bless Rhonda & Cole